As the headline suggests, today I am talking about bullies and insecurities.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that I would eventually have a blog post that talked about bullies and insecurities and that sort of thing. In the kind of world that I have wrapped myself in, these things seem to be pretty prevalent.
Nowadays, its “cool” to be a nerd, its cool to like those sort of things. But back when I was in middle school and high school…it was definitely, definitely not cool. And I had a lot of insecurities. I was afraid to admit how much I loved the books that I read and how much they meant to me. I couldn’t admit to any of the sort of the things I enjoyed because I always feared being teased and bullied…just for the simple fact that I liked to read, and well, I was pretty shy back then.
Thank Rowling that I had to work eventually; if it wasn’t for the jobs I’ve had, I may have never actually opened my mouth to speak to those who I did not know well. I always preferred talking through written word.
And obviously I still have insecurities. Some times a girl can have a bad day, and I’m not always super in love with myself. I don’t always think I’m a good girlfriend; I can be kind of intense and sometimes I just don’t feel smart enough for my super smart boyfriend. I don’t always believe that I’m pretty, though most days are okay. I was never good at sports, and never really had a desire to participate in them because of m lack of athletic ability and have always felt a little overshadowed by siblings, who are so talented and so much more good looking than me. I have always managed to pick best friends who are infinitely more well liked than me and that leave me feeling like second best. I’m always afraid that my writing is no good and I’m going to fail as an author, or worse, I’ll be an equivalent to Stephenie Meyer (no offense intended).
And maybe that sounds like a person who has absolutely no self-confidence in themselves whatsoever but that’s actually not true. I don’t think about all those things all the time and that small blurb above of insecurities is so much smaller than it was a few years ago. A few years ago, I could’ve listened every single thing about me: my looks, my personality, my thoughts, my beliefs, whatever and I would’ve felt insecure about every single one of them.
But things have gotten better…and I attribute a lot of that to growing up. Sure, there are a lot of adults out there that are still immature and will still resort to bullying and teasing. But for the most part, the adult world is full of seriously awesome people who have all accepted me for the person that I am: the geeky, nerdy, intense person that I am.
Because I do feel like I’m intense. When it comes to certain books or TV shows, or movies, the fandoms that I am so addicted to, there is always a deeper feeling to it. I get something out of it and I FEEL so much. I’ve been lucky enough to find people who understand that. I have a boyfriend who seriously puts up with this, and understands it so well. He has watched me cry over Potter and Doctor Who, he has watched me get excited over the most ridiculous things and he just goes with it. I have been lucky to find the most fantastic friends (I’m looking at the Los Angeles Dumbledore’s Army) that understand and accept me for every single thing that I am and more.
The reason that I bring this is up…is because it wasn’t always like that. I didn’t have a LADA group that enjoyed the same things as me and understood the passion that I felt for it. I was living in the shadows of my best friend, and I only had other friends because she brought them into my life. I didn’t have anyone who KNEW me like people know me now. All I had were people who made fun of me for reading all the time, for being a tomboy and not knowing how to dress like a girl, for loving Harry Potter.
And kids are still going through it, and I hate it. I hate bullying of all kinds. I hate that kids are bullied and teased; I hate that even adults are still bullied and teased. Sometimes its just so hard to get past these insecurities, past the shyness, its so hard to open up because you’re just so afraid of what is going to happen to you.
Because it doesn’t matter who you are. You can be a nerd, and you can have an intense love for anime, or you could be a different religion from someone else, or you could be gay or transgender, or you could just not be as pretty as someone else or not as well dressed or not as rich. There’s a million things out there that gives someone a reason to tease and bully you and there’s always someone who is going to do it.
And it just needs to stop. People need to be more aware of bullying and they need to recognize it for the problem that it is. I am so tired of people having so much insecurities and I’m tired of people being so afraid to be who they are. I’m tired of children being afraid to go to school and I’m tired of the horrible people who can’t just simply accept people. I’m so tired of it.
I talk to people and I hear of their insecurities and their fears and their own teasing and bullying stories and I just get so tired of it. Because the people that I talk to, and they’re all ages from kids to older adults, they’re all these amazing people. They’re fantastic and unique and they’re full of insecurities and its just sad. Its so sad. I’m no different. I am insecure too and I still have times where I’m afraid to admit to things, just even liking something to my own friends because of what I’ll get for it. I’m afraid of looking in the mirror sometimes and it just boils down to people’s expectations of us.
And I know this probably seems like a random post but its something that just bothers me so much. And because it answers the question that people ask me so often.
People always are asking me: why do you read so much? how is it that you can read so much? why do you love books so much?
And the answer is this: Because for those few hundred pages that I am swept off into a different world, nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or not, it doesn’t matter if I have money problems or relationship problems. It doesn’t matter if I have no friends or if I feel overshadowed by the ones I do have. It doesn’t matter that school may not be going well or that I feel unaccomplished. None of that matters.
All that matters is that I’m in a whole different world, I’m in a world that makes me forget about everything around me and it sucks me in and changes me. Its like no other feeling that I have ever felt in my life. I can sit there and consume a book in a few hours and then look up, and literally feel shocked that I am in my room. And this is why I feel the way I do about these books, and this is what people cannot understand and this is what causes the bullying and the teasing.
So maybe this was a super random post and maybe the few people who actually read this blog (I’m pretty sure only 5 of my 26 followers actually read it) may be thinking “what on earth is up with this post?”. And thats okay. This is a bit out of character for me. I guess what it is…I’ve been feeling a little down, and I’ve been around friends who’ve been the same way. And I just feel like…the biggest goal a person can have in their life is to be kind.
I made it my one rule, to be kind. If you could just be kind to one another, things would be so much better. If we could accept that person’s obsession with Harry Potter, and that person’s inability to match their clothes right, and someone’s sexuality, and someone’s religious preference, and yes I do mean atheism too, or someone’s addiction to World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons, and we could stop teasing those of different colors and races than us, and of mental illnesses and physical deformities. Can we just stop noticing all of those things as “being different” and start recognizing things as unique and awesome and fantastic and wonderful.
And maybe, just maybe, all these awesome people will realize just how special they really are.