This blog has always been about nerd things, mostly books, but this blog has been around for ten years and I’ve never hesitated to share my feelings about the things going on in our world. As much as I love to escape real life and disappear into fictional and fantasy worlds, I still always have my feet firmly planted in reality and I am always here to fight for justice and to fight against injustice.

The Supreme Court overturning Roe V Wade was not a surprise. Since the moment that Trump won the election in 2016, since the moment he pushed through Supreme Court justices, we knew that this was on the table. We knew this would happen. However, knowing and seeing it is two different things and finding this out a couple days ago was one of the most devastating days of my life. I spent the day pushing my way through my shift, drinking my sorrows and crying myself to sleep.

I have and always will believe in the right of a woman to choose what to do with her body. If a woman chooses to have an abortion, if she chooses not to – that is her right to do or do not. I believe in this wholeheartedly. I believe in the rights of women. I believe in the humanity of women. I believe in the power and equality of women and I’m so goddamn exhausted at the rest of the world disagreeing with that.

I haven’t made it a secret that I myself had an abortion when I was 22 years old, back in March of 2010. I can’t begin to explain how much of an impact that has had on my life. At the time, I was undecided on children – I am now firmly childfree. I am so grateful to have not had a child that I did not want. I am grateful that my life is where it is at this moment and I’m so grateful for everything I’ve lived and experienced in the twelve years since that choice. Had I not had the ability to make that choice, I would not be where I am today. It terrifies me to think of where I’d be, had I not had the ability to make that choice. It was not an easy decision. People treat abortion like it’s back up birth control, or that it’s just this easy, carefree, thoughtless, emotionless decision but I truly don’t think that’s true. If I got pregnant now, I’d absolutely get an abortion – I do not want children – but that doesn’t mean I’m making the decision without any emotion. But I have never regretted my decision. I’m so grateful I had the ability to make that decision. I’m so grateful that my abortion story is simple and easy and drama free.

A lot of women can’t relate to that and that’s going to become more and more true as more the a dozen states will become fully anti abortion pretty much immediately.

I am lucky – I live in a state that I feel relatively safe in as a woman, and as a woman of color. California has always leaned heavily liberal and the governor has immediately stepped up to make the decisions that will keep California a safe state for women. I’m lucky. I have birth control, obtained through Planned Parenthood, at a clinic where no protests were happening, where I was able to walk in and walk out with ease, no cost, protected from unwanted pregnancy for five years.

But I HURT right now. I cried for so long on the day the news broke because it felt like further proof that women are consistently seen as lower than men and it hurts. It hurts to be constantly attacked for being something that I had no control over. I didn’t ask to be a woman. I’m fucking proud to be one but I didn’t ask to be one. I was born that way, period, and that’s who I am. This thing that is completely out of my control is something that people use as a weapon against me. Its heartbreaking and discouraging and disappointing and exhausting and I’m so tired of it.

But I’m also so hurt for women everywhere, for the women in states that are very unlike California. The states that immediately were celebrating the moment that Roe V Wade were overturned. The states that will punish a woman for having a miscarriage. The states that don’t care about a baby once its born, that don’t care that women will die from back alley abortions, who will commit suicide because they can’t obtain an abortion, who will maybe even be murdered by partners angry that they are pregnant and can’t abort. This is our reality and its coming soon, it’s right now and I’m angry and I’m upset and full of rage. I’ve cried, I’ve drank but I want more, I want to do more.

We celebrate our nation’s independence in just about a week. Guys, I want to love my country. I want to be proud of where I’m from. I want to stand during the National Anthem and feel something. I want to have pride in where I’ve come from. I want to love it. I want to wake up on the 4th of July and feel happy and ready to celebrate the near 250 years of this country.

But I just can’t. I CAN’T. I can’t celebrate a country that is continually shown it’s true colors and has never changed. We keep thinking we’re changing, that we’ve evolved from those who started the country in 1776 but I don’t know that I believe that. People of color are still treated poorly all the time, in so many ways. We’re still fighting for the right for people of color to not DIE at the hands of those who are supposed to protect them. We’re still fighting for women to have an equal status in life, a century after earning the right to vote. We are constantly showing that we are NOT the land of the free, we are not the land of the people. The Supreme Court is supposed to above taking sides, above politics and yet they’ve upheld the rights of inanimate objects like guns, taken away people’s liberties and signed the death sentences of so many women. And they aren’t done – they are coming for the right to contraceptives, the right of marriage, regardless of the genders of the couple. They won’t stop until they’ve stripped what little we’ve managed to accomplish in our 250 year history. So I can’t celebrate 4th of July. I can’t celebrate a country that I’m so fucking angry at. I can’t celebrate a country that I have such little pride in.

I could go on and on about this for so long because this is something I’m so fucking passionate about it. I grew up as someone who wanted more, who wanted equality for women. I remember being a young kid, a preteen and teen who wanted nothing more than equal rights for women in sports. That was a HUGE thing for me growing up. I was tired of the WNBA being treated as less than, I was tired of women’s soccer getting paid pennies, even though they were the winners, the champions. Regardless of the topic, whether it was sports or pay or reproductive rights or voting rights, whatever, I’ve always been outspoken and LOUD about feminism and the rights of women. This infuriates me. It fills me with sorrow and rage and I can’t sleep and I can’t focus and I can’t think of anything else right now and when I do, I feel guilty about it because this is just…it’s so much.

I’m not going down without a fight. I know I’m not alone either. There are so many people out there who are full of so much rage and I know that while there are so many people happy about this turn of events, there’s too many of us unhappy about this for it to just stand. I’m scared that I won’t be able to see this change in my life but I also feel like even if I don’t see it, I see the younger generations and I know that they’re going to fight too.

I’m exhausted guys. I’m so tired and I’m full of rage and I’m fucking sad and I’m not surprised this has happened but I’m also still furious that this has happened. I’m not sure what to do right now except to keep doing what I’ve always done, donating to those organizations that support my beliefs and protesting and screaming and calling and writing to my reps and showing everyone that this is NOT okay and that I will not be okay until this changes.

A lot of people are posting about “camping” and going camping in states where camping is allowed. Maybe this will get me in trouble but I don’t care. If you need an abortion and you live somewhere where this is going to be near to completely impossible for you to do, CALL ME. EMAIL ME. DM ME. TEXT ME. WHATEVER. I will take care of you. I will bring you to California and we will help you get this taken care of. We’ll help you get birth control, should you need it. We’ll do this because you have the right to do it and I’ll help you exercise that right, here in a place where its possible. Then we’ll go to Disneyland and eat churros and ride Haunted Mansion ten times and we’ll continue the fight. I have your back.

Always.

The fight isn’t over, my friends. It’s still raging, every single day. I know that its easy to fall in despair, I’m struggling with it too, but I’m trying not to give up and I’m trying to remember that I’m not alone, that there are so many people out there who are with you, that believe in the fight, that believe in the rights of women and who are not going to take this sitting down.

Let’s rage, friends. The fight continues.