I Swear I’m Not Dead…But Things Got Rough

Some of you may have noticed (or may have not, approved I honestly have no idea who actually pays attention to the things that I write on this blog), symptoms that I haven’t blogged for two weeks.

And part of that has been that I’ve just been busy. I’ve been reading and writing and hanging out with friends and doing all sorts of things like that.

But part of it is…something happened in my life that I both did and didn’t expect and its been a hard adjustment for me. A VERY hard adjustment for me.

I struggled this past week whether to share this with you guys but in the end, I realized I had to. I may not have a ton of followers but the ones I do have…you guys are amazing and supportive and I’m lucky to have met so many of you amazing people. I truly am lucky.

If you follow me on Tumblr or Instagram or Facebook or Twitter, you probably already know. But for those of you who don’t, last Sunday, I ended my six and a half year relationship with my boyfriend. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. It was a very mutual break up, and it went so well, and so beautifully but that doesn’t stop it from being one of the hardest and most emotional things I’ve ever had to go through. And its only been a week.

I don’t want to go into much detail. Because honestly, its no one’s business and really, thinking about it too much sends me into emotional despair and I start crying and then I can’t stop crying and its just not fun. For anyone. I promise. But basically…we grew apart. We got together when we were 19 years old and now we are 26. We grew up, we learned more about ourselves, we blossomed, we discovered ourselves and our passions, and we became the people I think we were meant to become. Unfortunately, we just didn’t seem to mesh anymore as these new people.

Its heartbreaking and unfortunate. I love Jon more than anyone I have ever loved in my life. He is my best friend, the person that I go to at the end of every single day when things aren’t good. He’s the first person I call when things are good. He’s been the most amazing adventure of the past six and a half years. I would do almost anything to make our relationship work but its not about that, its about us and we just didn’t work that way anymore.

And its hard to find those things you love good when everything just seems to suck, you know? Its hard to remember why a book or a movie or anything makes me feel happy. Everything reminds me of him and our time together.

But its getting easier. And harder at the same time. Its not an easy thing to do and I know that its going to take time and hard work and time and time to get used to this. Its going to take a lot of crying and ice cream and reading therapy.

Yesterday was the first day I was able to pick up a book and read it. Which is huge for me. I read every single day. But its progress. Slow progress, definitely, but its there.

But if there’s one thing that I’m struggling to learn in the past week, its that everything happens for a reason. Maybe Jon and I will find our way back to each other in the future. Maybe we won’t. But I do know this: I want him to be the happiest person that he can possibly be and I want him to be successful and happy and loved and all of that. And I know with 100% certainty that he feels the same way back.

Which just brings me to this: I need to focus on these things that I’ve found in the past seven years that have made me so happy and have made me feel so confident. I have to remember these things. I have to focus on reading and writing. I need to remember my passion for writing and my drive to make my novel published a reality. I have to remember this blog and how much I love it. I have to do that. There is still so much in my life, though it doesn’t feel like it right now, and I’m working on it.

So blogging, its going to be a struggle for me. I’m working on it. I probably won’t blog as much as I used to but I hope to get back in the groove soon. This blog means the world to me and I don’t want to let it go because of this. I want this to make me stronger not weaker, even though weaker is definitely what I feel like right now.

I know that so many of you will be able to understand this. I’ve already spoken so many of you through my other various social medias and I’m just blown away by the support and love that you have shared. I’ve received emails and messages and comments all showing your support and it just means the absolute world to me. It keeps me going, really, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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